I just wanted to wish you all a Merry Christmas or a Happy Holiday if you don’t celebrate Christmas! I know I probably won’t really have time to write any posts for the next weekend with all the family activities I’ll be engaging in and the 4 hour drive to and from my dad’s house so I figured I’d do it now!
I love the holidays. I think they were so much more enchanting and magical when I was younger but I still feel the same giddy rush during this time. Now I think I just love spending time with my family and picking out thoughtful gifts for people. I have to say I’ve become more of a grinch the older I’ve gotten because I tire of all the craziness that seems to come out of people around this time but I do enjoy it. I love the lights, the tree, the Christmas cheer, the snow, the shiny paper, the food, etc.
A lot of you who know me well or have been reading my blog since I started in June know that I lost my mother in July 2006 to brain cancer. Christmas is always the hardest without her. She always made Christmas such a special day for us. I love the way she decorated and the way she always knew what I wanted as a child. We’d always watch the Grinch together and all those classic Christmas movies. I loved helping her decorate the trees with Christmas music blaring. I will never forget when I was 12 or something and Hanson was my favorite bad. She came home with the Hanson Christmas cd and I was sooo embarrassed and all, “OMG I can’t believe my mom is trying to listen to my favorite band.” I still have that damn cd and faithfully listen to it every year. She spoiled us (in a good way!) and Christmas was always magical for us. I miss her a lot this year. It’s been a blah sort of year for me and sometimes I just know how much I need the direction of my mom. She’d know how to help me with finding a job and figuring out my life. While I was trying to find these pictures I had a meltdown. I miss my mom. It’s really hard to believe, still to this day, that she is gone. I look at these pictures and I just miss her to pieces.
On top of things, I have to be strong this Christmas. Perhaps this is the reason I am writing to you all, my blogging family, to get this all out. My boyfriend lost his dad this March and it will be his first Christmas without his dad. He lost his real mom when he was little. He still has a stepmom but I know it’s just not going to be the same for him. His dad was his best friend and he was his dad’s only child. I have to be strong for him because I know what this will feel like. I have to be strong because he needs me–I know he does. I know he’d be mad for keeping it in but I also know that he’d push aside his feelings and sadness to help me. I don’t want that.
Anyways, I’m not going to keep going on. I will be ok. I guess my Christmas wish for all of you, my friends, (besides getting tons of books!) is to enjoy the time with your family. I know we all have our problems. I know my family isn’t perfect but I wish I could just go back in time and appreciate my mom more. I think each year I keep hoping for that kind of Christmas miracle. For those of you who have lost family members, I am so so sorry. Know that you aren’t alone. I know how hard it is to start over again without your loved ones. It’s painful but it’s made me appreciate these holidays with my family and my boyfriend. I live 4 hours from my dad and I now make it a priority to make it up there. The time I have with my dad, my little sister and stepmom has become so much more meaningful. It has all become ridiculously significant.
This wasn’t supposed to turn into this kind of post. It was supposed to be more lighthearted and talk about Christmas traditions and memories and what you all were doing for the holidays. I still DO want to know all of that stuff but this was what was on my heart tonight so my fingers just followed. So tell me..what are you doing? Tell me your favorite memories and traditions.
Hope your holiday is great! Just so you all know, I am so appreciative for the community atmosphere on my blog. You guys rock!