I’ve talked about one of the most terrifying things in my bookish life before but I’m now going to share with you another one in my bookish/blogger life. I’ll start off with the story that prompted this post.
So a few weeks ago I had a friend from high school (who I absolutely adore but just haven’t talked to really SINCE then) said to me, “SO…I was searching about wedding stress induced shingles today and guess what I found?”
Well, if you saw my post about my wedding and how I got stress induced shingles, then you’ll know why I was ready to pee my pants and flashes of screaming out things like “DANGER! THERE HAS BEEN A BREACH IN SECURITY. WE ARE NOW ON LOCKDOWN” as loud warning bells blared in the background! The Google machine naturally led her straight to this blog! THIS was one of my biggest fears– somebody happening upon my blog that I knew.
Why is this a fear you might ask?
I’m very controlled in who I give my blog out to in terms of my friends. Most of my closest family and friends KNOW that I blog obviously but very few “IRL” people know about it or have the URL. I’ve been thinking a lot about WHY this caused me anxiety and here’s what I’ve come up with:
1. My blog is a very personal space to me. Sure, I do book reviews and what not but I also put A LOT of myself into this blog. When I’m reviewing a book that resonates with me, I might tell you why it does on a personal level. I share A LOT here on this blog. Things that I don’t necessarily want to be vulnerable about with people who know me. I guess sometimes it’s easier with my blog readers — people get how books can affect you deeply and personally. And also, sometimes I just don’t want to talk about these things with people who I may see in real life. I feel much safer on my blog which seems counter-intuitive I suppose.
2. I’m afraid people just won’t understand. I am unabashedly myself on my blog. It’s funny because you always think about how easy it is to be someone else with an online persona but I am more myself than ever. It’s funny even how much Will sees that with my blogging. I don’t hide the nerdiness or feel embarrassed when I post really weird things or when I’m FREAKING OUT about a book or an author and flailing incessantly. I fear that they just won’t get it or think it’s super weird. I also sometimes fear being judged for reading YA when I shouldn’t at all. You all GET the things I love and that being a nerd is awesome. There’s a lot of people that I know in real life that either haven’t known this side of me because we were friends a long time ago or that I just know would automatically find it weird. Why I care I DON’T KNOW. Because it’s me. And the people who know me the best…know that about me.
3. I fear being open about it because there are just people from my past that I don’t want to creeping around here. I always kind of get these bursts of OMG I WANT TO TELL EVERYBODY ABOUT WHAT I DO but then I realize if I do that — I can’t control who gets here. So I may be friends with them on Facebook, and that’s fine to keep in touch, but I don’t really get too personal on Facebook. It’s more shallow for me than this blog or I just give very general life updates. This is probably why I’m the most conscious about who I tell. Some people I just don’t want to know get to see what my every day life is like via this blog or my Twitter that is linked to this blog.
In some ways I feel like I lead a bit of a double life — I mean not REALLY. Not like some Jerry Springer show where the wife finds out that her husband is some sort of internet p0rn star. It’s funny when I identify the reasons why I’ve been so anxious about being open about my blogging with my IRL people, the more I can’t understand some of my reasons — with the exception of #3 and some of #1. Because let’s see:
1. I’m NOT ashamed about blogging or what I read. So why should I be worried about what my friends or family may think?
2. I’m ok with who I am and all the nerdiness that abounds. SO again…why do I care that my friends my see JUST HOWWW nerdy I am? I happen to like the self I’ve become who doesn’t hold back about being unabashedly ME. I’m freaking WEIRD and I own it.
I guess my hangups lie in not being willing to give access to a very personal (and important) side of my life to just anyone. In writing this I’ve already decided that I’m going to try to be more open about the fact that I blog about books and that it’s super important to me. Maybe not to EVERYBODY on my Facebook but just more people that maybe I trust or who I’d feel would be interested about it. I don’t necessarily need to GIVE them my url by any means but just being more willing to put it out there and stop feeling so scared to talk about an awesome part of my life. And then go from there!
What I want to know (because I’ve seen MANY bloggers put there stuff out on their personal FB pages): Do you feel like you lead sort of a double life — your real life or your blogger life? Do you tell people about blogging? Who knows that you blog about books? Do you post your blog stuff on your FB or elsewhere? Are you like me where you just don’t tell a lot of people or do you tell everybody you know? What fears do you have in telling?
SO mull it over and tell me how you are about this topic! I’m so very interested!