Tonight, as Will was giving Riley a bath, I started getting things ready for our day tomorrow and remembered I needed to get a bag for the nursing pillow I was selling to someone in a mom’s group on Facebook. As I bagged up the nursing pillow, the reminder of my journey and decision of quitting breastfeeding, I just cried.
I stared at this pillow in my hands and took a moment as all these emotions came rushing through me. I simultaneously remembered the sweet moments with newborn Riley laying on that pillow nursing but also the hell I was going through at the time. I couldn’t ever have imagined what played out instead of what I had dreamed about for 9 months.
I realized, in that moment, of bagging up the nursing pillow (it was a great item that I highly recommend) that I’ve been grieving the breastfeeding experience I never got.
Is it possible to grieve a ~thing~ or an idea like quitting breastfeeding?
I’m pretty sure it is. Even though it’s different than grieving a person, it very much feels like a real thing to me.
I’ve talked about it a little bit but I realize I’ve been dealing with a good bit of shame even though I know I did what I needed to do so I’ve kind of NOT really talked about it? So I’m going to talk about it because I think, as I’m packing up the last remnant of our short nursing stint, that I’m finally in the acceptance stage of grief. So, let’s go…shall we?
I was only able to breastfeed for 3 weeks and I feel immense guilt about it to this day. And then I feel guilty for feeling guilty. Because I KNOW she’s happy and healthy and I’m a sane mom for her. All things that back then I didn’t think were going to be possible. I could not see this amazing future I’m living right now — one where I’m a good mom and am not crying all the time. In the midst of severe postpartum depression, I couldn’t see anything clearly.
I was in such a bad place with my recovery from 4th degree tearing and my PPD (wasn’t diagnosed yet but that’s what it was…not just me being bad at being a mom/thinking I made a mistake) and breastfeeding was part of the anxiety. It hurt too much to sit down and nurse for that long, breastfeeding was NOT that easy like everyone made it out to be and I was so, so tired. Plus I was becoming neurotic about the actual breastfeeding.
I got plenty of advice, I watched Youtube videos that ended in my crying being too overwhelmed and then went to a lactation consult where Riley latched no problem and so the lady didn’t really help us even though we struggled day in and day out and SOMEHOW she just did it perfectly there.
I TRIED. And maybe if I was in a better headspace I would have been able to push through. But you guys? I was on the brink of absolutely losing it. My friends and family were increasingly worried and tried to tell me I could quit if that would help.
But then, you know, I went on the internet…which basically told me I was selfish and terrible for not pushing through, that I should do ANYTHING and that basically my baby will be a sick unhealthy kid with a terrible future. So I KEPT TRYING. I’d cry every time it was time to feed her (which is like a million times a day in those first few weeks). Every single time was a struggle. She was losing weight. I tried to pump exclusively (that was so hard!!). I tried everything to make it work. But I keep thinking…at what cost?? Do whatever it takes AT WHAT COST TO MYSELF?
(Trigger warning for this next paragraph: suicidal thoughts)
But, in the midst of all my determination, I was heading down a bad path. A path that had me shouting to Will at 3am how much I hated this and wanted to die. And I think I meant it. My PPD didn’t manifest in me thinking about hurting her or myself but I could see that if I didn’t get help I might very well be on that path and the fact I said that out loud scared me. Things were getting bad too fast…every day I was just getting worse and less able to function like a human.
So I gave myself permission to quit. Very reluctantly.
And I cried and I cried and I cried. I told myself I was the worst mom that I couldn’t just get through this and provide her with what she needed. I could tell myself that “being fed was best” but I couldn’t believe it when I said it in those early days. The words on those breastfeeding blogs and forums felt branded on my soul. I was the worst and selfish. I should have done better, fought through it. My PPD shouldn’t have been an excuse.
When we gave her the first bottle of formula after my pumped milk was gone, I cried.
And then as my boobs dried up (yo, I literally lived with cabbage leaves in my bra…it worked) I cried.
When my friends would talk about breastfeeding, I cried.
When I would see all my breastfeeding stuff around the apartment, I cried. (I got rid of most of it quickly)
When Riley would be rooting around near my boob still, I cried.
When I’d see anything in any baby book or website about nursing, I cried.
I got help for my PPD and I cried less in general but there were still moments I’d feel a pang of guilt about my decision. Or I’d miss breastfeeding even though it was terrible while I was in it. I’d dream of her being snuggled all milk drunk after nursing. I’d see other nursing moms and feel sadness/shame/regret. I’d think of all the ways I could have figured it out.
As time has gone on and Riley is literally the happiest and healthy baby ever, I’ve been a little more gentle with myself about it and see I actually DID what was best for my baby. She’s got a mom still.
I think I couldn’t let it go at first because this wasn’t what I pictured or planned for. Sure, I felt like I failed in providing for my kid but I think mostly it was because it wasn’t the plan.
THIS WASN’T THE PLAN. IT WAS NOT THE PLAN. I had never had a Plan B when it came to nursing. I never thought I wouldn’t do it. I didn’t even have a hint of “this is what we will do if I can’t.”
And so I’ve been grieving what I feel like I missed out on in not being able to nurse her. I’ve been grieving what I envisioned motherhood would look like when she was in my belly, before she was RILEY. I’ve just been grieving the short breastfeeding journey I had and I don’t think I even realized it until today when I packed up this last remnant of my breastfeeding journey — it felt eerily a lot like packing up my mom’s stuff years later.
I’m accepting this for what it is. I did not breastfeed like I thought I would. Quitting breastfeeding is the reality. That’s what happened and I accept it. I’m letting go of my shame, my guilt, the inner voices of all the things I read on the internet that made me feel like a bad mom for quitting breastfeeding. I’m letting go of envy when I see moms breastfeeding.
I’m letting it all go. I’m bagging it up, releasing it and moving on to enjoy this formula-fed baby girl of mine who is happy and healthy and worth living for every day. I can’t change the fact of quitting breastfeeding so why keep carrying it around me like this giant mom failure anchor? It’s hard enough being a mom and I don’t need to keep wishing things were different.
Acceptance. That’s where I’m at.
Do you feel like you’ve ever grieved a thing/idea/experience? Let me know down below!
P.S. My Motherhood Journey As Someone Who Was Ambivalent About Becoming A Mom // My Newborn Essentials // 6 Lessons In 6 Months Of Being A Mom
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Sara says
I relate soooo much to this. In respect to nursing, but also just the idea of grieving for what was “supposed” to happen. I had supply problems as well as ppd. I just couldn’t make it work and after supplementing with formula AND pumping AND nursing pretty much non stop just so she’d get enough i finally called it quits. It was heartbreaking and i felt so SO guilty. But looking back years later, it was the best choice i ever made. my daughter is a book worm (she’s reading her first books even though she just turned 4!) and she’s smart and sassy and kind and has the biggest heart. Not breastfeeding means she had a mom that was emotionally fit to parent instead of an exhausted and depressed milk machine. It works out for some and that’s awesome! But i wish there wasn’t so much pressure put on us because it doesn’t always work. Fed is best! You’re amazing!
Erin says
Oh Jaime I have to admit I’ve read a lot of those breastfeeding websites too and they make me so angry. The shaming and frankly unkind language they use towards new moms is not okay. I also struggled with breast feeding. We’ve been able to work out a compromise where I pump with a behemoth rented hospital pump and a lot of support from my husband. I’m not working right now, and I honestly don’t know what I’ll do when I return. Either way I am a good Mom. I love my baby with all my heart. And you are a good Mom too. Anyone can see what a happy healthy baby Riley is. Just think of all the fun you two are going to have together in the years to come. You went through a lot with PPD. You are so strong. And that is another wonderful thing your daughter will benefit from. You do you girl!
Annemieke says
Oh Jaimie. Please don’t feel guilty. You did what you had to do during that time. Though I completely understand the feeling. I also thought I was going to nurse Merijn until the end and that did not happen. I also thought I was going to give birth naturally at home. Also a big nope.
During our first week at home I struggled with this so much as well. I had a hard time producing milk which is common after a c-section. We had to feed Merijn extra with formula because he was losing too much weight. It hurt to nurse so much, even though Merijn latched on well. And when the milk did finally come I realized I didn’t want it. It took so much energy out of me. Energy that I needed to recover from the c-section. I stopped breastfeeding completely after 3 weeks. And I felt so much better after that. I did end up with ppd later down the road as you know but if I had been breastfeeding I think things would have been worse.
I prepared as best I could for nursing. I attended a night with a lactation expert beforehand. And the things she said spooked in my head when things didn’t work. How that not having enough milk was a myth and that when breastfeeding was done well it does not hurt. And that people just do not push through enough (aka selfish). I thought I was weird. That I was doing everything wrong. Yeah, no, that was not it.
Our society today is so stuck on breastfeeding or with other things on how it is suppose to be with baby’s. But everyone has to make the decision what is best for themselves. Formula is there, It is an option and a great one. Merijn has done great on it and when he was 1 we dropped the formula completely and went to cow’s milk. He slept through the night really quickly while my cousin who breastfed had to get up in the middle of the night to still breast feed hers twice a night who was around the same age.
If I ever have a baby (thought that is not likely haha) I think I’ll start with formula right away. Because in the end it was what worked best for us. Well for me. That doesn’t mean I don’t cherish the few moments I had when Merijn did nurse from me. That was special. I had them. I don’t need a 1000 of those same moments.
Carrie Jo says
You are a fantastic mom.
Breastfeeding is great when it works out. The breastfeeding cult out there is a lot less great.
Story time: I was born without a uterus, so we used a surrogate to have a biological child. At the time (almost nine years ago), going to India to hire a surrogate was a legal (the laws have now changed) and so much more affordable than hiring a surrogate here.
When we were pregnant with Bella, I was elated and did all the research I could think to do. Everything said breastfeeding was best, and that even if you didn’t give birth yourself, you could induce lactation by using a hospital grade pump and some determination. So for a few months, I seriously considered hailing a hospital grade breaat pump through international airports and trying to find private places to pump AND to figure out whether I had been successful at inducing lactation jet lagged, in a foreign country, as a first time mom.
Then I realized that the whole idea was crazy. And I found a formula and never looked back.
My nearly 9yo daughter is happy and healthy. She doesn’t have any allergies. She’s too smart for her own good. Basically, she’s perfect. And She was formula fed AND she’s an only child (and is adamant that she does not want siblings!).
All this to say, grieving the loss of a part of what you thought motherhood would look like is normal. I grieved over not carrying my daughter and how many of my options–including breastfeeding–were narrowed down for me because of my infertility. But I promise, pregnancy and breastfeeding are such a small, small part of being a mom. And you are a great one.
Nickimags says
Thanks for sharing this and please don’t feel guilty, as you said you did what was right for you and Riley and she is a very healthy happy baby. Breastfeeding is really hard and I think mums to be should be warned that it’s not all plain sailing. I also think that new mothers should never feel bad about not doing it.
Tammy @ Books, Bones & Buffy says
So sorry to hear about all the pain you were in. Breastfeeding is a very personal experience, one that is hard to “teach”. I didn’t have PPD but I struggled with breastfeeding with my first baby. He just wasn’t that interested and I didnt have enough milk for him. And I felt like a horrible mother! I was DETERMINED to figure it out when my daughter came along and it was a completely different experience. I ended up breastfeeding her for over two years! So my point is, you can’t predict whether or not it will “work out” until it happens. All sorts of elements come into play. Just acknowledging your feelings proves what a wonderful mother you are😊
Kim says
Like you, I had a difficult recovery. My daughter came out so fast that she injured my tailbone on her way out. I also had some tearing although my pain was was mostly from the tailbone. I kid you not, my butt was black all over from bruises. I couldn’t sit for a month or lie on my back for a month. I would cry if I still had to wait 2 hours for my next dose of pain medication. Initially, breastfeeding was a nightmare too because of latch and tongue tie issues. I had planned to breastfeed for a year but at that time I couldn’t see myself lasting a month. Thankfully, those issues were corrected and I’m able to breastfeed to this day, but I was ready to bring out the formula if needed.
It was beyond tiring, standing on my feet for most of the day (even while breastfeeding and eating) and only getting a break if I laid on my side. Because of exhaustion, I chose to co-sleep (bedshare) with her, even though we had a nursery all set up. I found that it helped her sleep longer and I could nurse better. I was worried that if I nursed her during the wee hours while standing I might drop her. To this day I get lectured by my own parents, in-laws, sanctimommies, and even my doctor for doing this. I researched this a ton and I am now confident in my decision to safely co-sleep but some days their voices still haunt me, making me question if I’m creating a rod for my own back. But the longer I do it, the more I see the benefits. Despite the numerous sleep books I’ve read I can’t bring myself to sleep train and transition her now.
I’m glad you were able to let go of the guilt. Motherhood is already so hard with so many “experts” telling us what we’re doing wrong. Yes, we want our kids to thrive but first we must do what we can to survive. It’s not putting our needs above our babies, but finding the right balance and groove for our own families. Riley is proof that you are momming just fabulously!
Kimberly Jensen says
The other day while cleaning I found one of the cooling pads I used in the first few days of breastfeeding and felt sad all over again. I wanted to breastfeed so badly! Some of my family members shamed me for it, said it was gross to breastfeed. It only motivated me more. And then my labor was traumatic and apparently my body was too busy preserving major organs to produce milk. I tried for a MONTH. Nursing on demand, power pumping, brewer’s yeast, fenagreek, lactation cookies… Nothing worked. I posted in a breastfeeding group on Facebook, asking for tips and got shamed because I was supplementing. But she was starving! She was at 10 1/2% loss when we left the hospital, I HAD to supplement.
I had a few days there that I just cried all day. Dan gave me a rocking chair for Christmas that was specifically designed for nursing, and now I couldn’t even use it for that. I had purchased all of these things to help me breastfeed, a cover, nursing bras and pads, I had a pillow, my breast pump. And all of it would just sit there unused. It brought back a lot of the feelings of uselessness that I felt when we were struggling to get pregnant. Once again my body wasn’t doing what it was supposed to. It didn’t help that at this time I was still on restrictions because of my c-section and couldn’t drive so I couldn’t get out, and I wasn’t supposed to lift anything over a certain weight so getting the stroller and carseat combo out would have been pushing it.
I’ve since given everything away. (Kept the chair of course, that’s where we sit to read books!) And formula has been so wonderful. Dan gets up with her in the mornings and feeds her and then they watch music videos together. It’s adorable and I love seeing them bond. (and I get a few extra minutes of sleep!)
But it’s weird how those old feelings come back. It’s been seven months since I gave up. I still get mommy shamed occasionally, but it’s the women from those that really intense breastfeeding community. They can be cruel, so I’ve learned to just block them. My baby is healthy and happy. Oh, and despite what they tried to tell me, we bonded just fine.
It also ended up being a blessing that she was on formula because I ended up in the hospital overnight after having a kidney stone removed. AND my nurse and I started talking and it turned out she wasn’t able to breastfeed because her milk never came in either!
Lauren @ Bookmark Lit says
I saw a thread about this on Twitter the other day about breastfeeding that maybe would make you feel a bit better. I’m not sure where it is, but I’ll let you know if I track it down!
I’ve never been in this particular situation of course, but I know what you mean about grieving things that should have been. Also… my mom didn’t breastfeed me at all (like didn’t even try or want to try), and I feel pretty good 😉 <3
Lea says
Is is so brave of you to share. And now some other mom will find it when she does a search and it will help her.
Shaina says
I’m not a mother, but this was beautiful to me. You made the best decision you could, for the both of you, even though it was hard. ❤️
Lisa says
This touched me personally. I too gave up breastfeeding my daughter around 3 weeks and was later diagnosed with PPD. I had sleep deprivation and thought if I died my husband could marry someone else who could be the mom my daughter deserved. I was luckily able to get the help and support I needed to recover but at the time nothing went the way it was supposed to go and I felt everything you just described so know that you are not alone. I ended up having 2 more babies (and no PPD with them, however I think I was so prepared for it that I was treating myself as if I had it anyway) But as a result of how serious my PPD was with the first I was advised against trying to breastfeed my next two in case it was a trigger. I still have guilt about not even trying with them but just know it’s ok to have messy feelings about it. It’s a hard thing to go through, but know that you made the right decision.
Tizzy Brown says
Please don’t feel guilty about this! You absolutely made the best decision for your health and your family. There is so much pressure on mums to do everything perfectly and put everyone else first, but if we don’t look after our own needs as well then we’re at risk of becoming ill. You are doing a fantastic job and your daughter is very lucky to have you.
Michelle says
Jamie, this made me cry for you. I HATE that you felt pressure to continue doing something that obviously was not meant to be. I HATE that you still feel guilty about not breastfeeding. Modern medicine being what it is, our children turn out just fine whether they get breastmilk or not. The fact of the matter is that she DID get it when she absolutely needed it most. Some is better than none. I say this because I tried too. I tried so much. Did everything you mentioned. But I couldn’t do it. I never was comfortable with it. My first child never latched. My second latched like a fiend but I was in SO much pain that I was having thoughts of actually harming her. Breastfeeding is wonderful, but it is not for everyone and we all need to remember that as mothers and as women. No one should feel shame for not being able to breastfeed for whatever reason. Just as no one should feel shame for breastfeeding in public. We have to stop this constant argument about which way is best because in the end, if you are driven to drastic, life-ending measures over breastfeeding (and other issues) then it is most definitely not best.
You made the right decision for Riley. You made the right decision for your family. You made the right decision for YOU, and that is what is MOST important here. It is easy to get lost in the everyday fuss that is a child, but you come first and always will. Please try not to be too hard on yourself about this. You are here, Riley is beautiful and healthy and happy. THAT is what is important.
Suzy Card says
Hi Jamie!
I think you are doing such a great great job! You have to do what is right for you! My child had a hard time latching and it wasn’t working. I remember crying and crying because she wouldn’t stop crying. We were home for 3 days and she just cried and cried because she was hungry. We met with a lactation consultant who suggested I pump, since it wasn’t always working. I exclusively switched to pumping. It worked for us, but people still asked well are you going to try nursing again. We did, it just didn’t work for us. Some women make it look easy, and for some women it is and that’s great for them, but it isn’t like that for everyone. I think you did what was right for you and Riley and that’s what matters.
Tami says
Oh… it has been 28 years and yet this just slammed into me. I went through this. First I was unable to deliver naturally (my cervix swelled shut after 28 hrs of labor) and then after 4 weeks of trying to nurse.. of constant thrush, my son losing weight, impacted breasts from plugged ducts… I transitioned to formula. I felt like a dismal failure. I cried constantly. Friends are family were well-meaning but clumsily reinforced my misery. It took some time before I could even enjoy being a mother. Years later I could look at my very healthy young son and his equally happy healthy brother and later when they are adults and realize that I did the right thing. The right thing for me and my children. And no one has the right to judge. Thank you for helping me to remember and realize this.
Eva says
When I was pregnant with my baby, my mom got out HER mom’s old baby book from the 50’s. It detailed how she fed my mom (and the other three siblings) Karo syrup mixed with condensed milk. That’s what the doctors were recommending back then!!!! Of course, I was horrified, but my mom and my aunts and uncles all turned out fine. Being a mom is the hardest job in the world, and YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB!!
Lisa @ Reading, Writing, and Random Musings says
Oh how I love when you share! First, I’m glad you are letting go of all the negative emotions tied with breast feeding. I know so many people who put themselves through hell, and I know others who just can’t do it, and guess what……all of the babies end up just fine! Do not let those feelings come back!
I do think you experience grief about missing experiences. My story is VERY long, but the one thing I had to seriously grieve was when I came to the conclusion that I would not have children. I had always pictured myself with lots of kids, but when you find yourself single in your 40’s, I decided it wasn’t in the cards. Could I have done it on my own – yes….and my family would have supported that decision. It just didn’t feel like the right decision for me at the time. For the most part, I handle this decision well, but there are moments when I feel that longing (I’m now 45) and know that it will never happen for me. I wouldn’t want it to happen now (I’m too old and set in my ways and like my sleep and down time), but there are pangs on occasion over what might have been. What’s interesting is that people will support couples who struggle to have children, but if a woman decides not to have a child, there are very few people who recognize and help that woman with her grief in giving up that dream.
StephTheBookworm says
My breastfeeding journey with Caleb was nearly identical. I suffered from PPD, and I already have anxiety on top of that, so when I discovered how difficult and painful breastfeeding was, it sent me into a tailspin. I HATED and dreaded every time he had to eat because it hurt so bad and I was the only one who could do it, too, so that meant it was ME who had to wake up every time. I had to let something go, some of the stress, so I chose breastfeeding as what I had to let go of. This was about 2 weeks after he was born. I proceeded to pump for the next few weeks instead, which was also awful. It was time consuming and I had to make sure I was home every 2 hours and so it was very restricting. Finally, I gave that up too. A weight was lifted off my shoulders. Caleb is healthy and growing. Baby 2 is due in the fall, and we are going straight to formula this time. No shame in it!
Nikki says
My own Rylie and I had a similar journey. The movement toward breastfeeding is great if you can do it, but the overwhelming push for it makes moms who struggle feel like failures. A lactation consult told me to try to nurse pump and then feed her a bottle each time. She was hungry about every 2 hrs in the beginning. That would’ve meant dealing with feeding her 12 hrs a day or so. Not to mention having to clean the pump parts, bottles, changing her, and somehow getting some rest. It was too much for me. I will try very briefly next go around and if it works, I’ll be happy but if baby doesn’t latch pretty quickly, I’m out. It’s just a small thing that contributes to depression. I did not do well with sleep deprivation and I unfortunately did not feel as bonded to her until I stopped trying to breastfeed. She’ll be 2 in May and won’t eat much of anything. Her favorite way to eat is to drop it on the floor between bites. Although, I try to curb that as much as possible, lol, I’ve certainly relaxed a lot since those days.
Alexandra says
I think, if it’s something that mattered to you, it’s something that you can grieve. That’s what I’ve seen in my own life, and in the lives of the counselling clients I’ve worked with over the years. While the *degree* of pain will vary from loss to loss, as will the length of time needed to process/come to terms with it, pain is pain, and our hearts experience it the same way, in terms of the feelings and the physical sensations, regardless of the cause. You expected to breastfeed, you wanted and tried hard to breastfeed, and it didn’t happen. That’s a very real loss, and because it was real, it was worth acknowledging through grief. And then you found a way through and a way to find peace about it. That’s something to be proud of. 🙂
Terra Heck says
I agree with Michelle’s comment. I, too, hate that you felt pressure and feel guilty. Breast is best, but there’s no shame in formula either. All people are different just as all children and babies are different. There’s guidelines but we shouldn’t make them our die-hard rules. What works for one child may not work for another. You’re doing fine as a mother; Don’t beat yourself up.
Kim says
I feel your anguish in this post and know that you lost something precious. I can see your baby is healthy and happy so she is doing well. I know you are caring for her well and being her best mom. Take care and be patient with yourself.
Jen says
I just want to hug you. Breastfeeding is so hard! I make sure that I tell every friend I have with a new baby about how difficult it is and how they should never ever feel guilty if they can’t do it or need to stop. I had low milk supply and I remember feeling like such a failure when they told me I had to supplement my son with formula. I was so so lucky to have very supportive people around me that and I try to spread that to others. No one should ever be shamed for the choices they have to make for what’s best for their health and for the baby. My second pregnancy I had major complications with my health and my daughter ended up being 8 weeks early in the NICU. Again that the struggle with breastfeeding was even more difficult with my low supply and not having my baby with me. I didn’t even see her for 24 hours after she was born because of my health. Every persons story is different and everyone has to do what’s best for them. Believe it or not I also got shamed for continuing to try breastfeeding. There was a lot of “I formula feed my baby and they were fine”, like I was personally insulting them. I think you are amazing for writing a post about your struggles with breastfeeding and PPD. I’m sure there are lots of moms who appreciate it.
Erin A. says
I’m not a mother, although I did have a miscarriage and I deal with the grief of that daily.
I think that as a society that is our number one flaw, comparing ourselves to others and their experiences. Fact of the matter is, we are all different and our experiences are different. You did what was right for you and your beautiful baby….the fact that you recognized that should be commended. You’re stronger than you think and someday you can share your story with your child….tell her how strong you were, even when you felt the weakest, and how you did it all for her!
Dee says
This was touching. I think it is definitely possible to grieve something that you really wanted but didn’t get. I had so much trouble nursing my daughter in the first 2 months and I thought about quitting a few times, especially from the lack of support from family. I remember crying all the time about nursing; it basically took over my life for that time period. The cultness about it definitely has to change because women should not be made to feel shame for any decisions they make. I’m sorry you went through that but hope you find that acceptance you’re looking for.
Sam@WLABB says
I did feel guilty when I quite breastfeeding after 3 months, because I had planned to do it longer, but it was the best decision for me. I am a single mom, and I got a terrible breast infection. I remember crawling on the floor to get my daughter and try to call someone to help me. I had a 105 degree fever, when they found me. I couldn’t let that happen again.
You are able to be a better mother to Riley because you made the decision to take care of yourself at that time. I thought my health was more important than whether my daughter’s milk came from my breast or a bottle. You’re doing awesome!!
Jesse H. says
I appreciate so much that you shared your experience. I went through something similar with my first child. We just were not good at it, at all. It hurt. Imagine rubbing the nipples across granite for 15-30 minutes 6-8 times a day, and then getting a sunburn on them. I suffered for about 2 months before I just couldn’t even imagine doing it anymore. It took me 5 years and having my next child to really start shedding the shame and guilt I felt over the whole ordeal.
I am intensely grateful for women who are now sharing their experiences like these. While each is unique, we can relate and realize we aren’t alone. That’s a big deal.
Thank you.
Daniela says
I just absolutely love your vulnerability and your honesty here. I just recently experienced my first miscarriage and totally understand the guilt of not feeling constantly sad (or how other people expect you to feel) all the time. The most important part is that you are taking care of yourself and your beautiful baby girl (who is precious, by the way) and that you are able to feel like the amazing mom that I am sure you are. I think those rollercoasters of emotions are all part of motherhood (and the process of GETTING to motherhood). Best of luck to you and your family in the future!
Erica Robyn says
<3 thank you for sharing your story <3
Chrystal says
I hate the shame that I and other mothers feel due to issues with breastfeeding. I wanted to breastfeed with all my being, but we had latching issues from the get go. She lost weight right off, I supplemented with formula, tried pumping and cried a lot. We (Hubby and I) decide red was best and went to only formula within the first week. I cried a lot and some more. I felt like I was letting her down, not giving her the best option and that made me feel so much shame. I hated trying to pump while hubby snuggled her, it made me feel like I was missing out on bonding time. And one day the guilt and shame washed away, when I realized formula feeding meant anyone could feed her and I could get some sleep. And… my doctor was so supportive saying that formulas are made with all the nutrients babies need, so just feed her and stop worrying. The hospital and nurses had made me feel inadequate and that I had to breastfeed.
I hope these kinds of posts help others know that fed is best and no shame in formula feeding.
Sophia Smith says
I had this bad feeling lasted really long for my first kid – he quit taking breastfeeding around 6 months and I felt really bad. I also lost my supply too early since he would not latch. It was a emotional set back for me and that is why I did not want to have my second one quit early. That actually got her longer 12+ months of feeding. Quitting after 12 months was harder for us but I feel better now.
La La in the Library says
I am so happy you wrote this because even though I didn’t grieve giving up on breastfeeding, I feel more moms should talk about this to let other new moms know it’s okay; that their baby can be just as happy and healthy as a formula fed baby. If you hold your baby close when bottle feeding (bonding), hold them up at an angle when feeding (no ear infections – my son never had one), and feed a reputable formula (my sin had no brain health issues – he was honors all through school and in the gifted class) I really don’t think breastfeeding has any better short or long term results. The findings about breastfeeding I think are skewed because I don’t think the bonding, health perks, and intelligence boosts come from the actual breastfeeding, but from having the type of mother who wants to breastfeed. If you hold and interact with your baby as much as a breastfeeding mom is sort of “forced” to do , it’s all the same. Happy mama, happy baby. 😘
Jessica says
You are a wonderful mom. I’m a new mom too and struggle with comparing myself to others. People say don’t do it, but it’s basically impossible not too. I really related when you talked about your plan for nursing and not having that plan B.
That was hard, going into the pregnancy and labor and then motherhood with all of these plans and ideas and I basically had to throw the majority of it all out of the window.
My daughter is now 14 months old. And while we did breastfeed for 11 months (my goal was 12 but we didn’t quite make it) it SUCKED. A lot of the time. There were things I loved about it, but mostly it sucked. haha I dealt with low supply issues and was so stressed that she wasn’t getting enough. Visited with a lactation consultant as well a few times… now that she’s 14 months old and drinking cows milk, I’m so happy I can just pour it in a sippy cup and SEE how much she’s drinking. So much more relaxed now.
Sorry I’m rambling. But great post! You’re an awesome mom 😀
Laurie says
You are not alone. Breastfeeding was so hard and painful. I had to supplement with formula in the hospital because my daughter lost too much weight, and then once I got home she wouldn’t latch. No way, no how. It was like my nipples had inverted, they were so disgusted with what was happening. I tried pumping and nothing came out. So every feeding was me trying to get her to latch on and then ultimately giving her a bottle of formula. I went back to the pediatrician and he said, “If you don’t have a problem with giving her formula, just give her formula.” And I didn’t have a problem with it! What I had a problem with was that if breastfeeding was supposed to be so natural, then why wasn’t my body automatically doing it? I just don’t get the mommy wars and why we all just can’t get along? FED is best. Loved and cared for is best. And it sounds like that’s what you are doing for your daughter!
Michelle @. Pink Polka Dot Books says
I didn’t breastfeed Cole and IDEGAF what anyone has to say about it. I’ll do what I want with my kid, and yes I want to do what’s best for him, but if it’s something I’m not comfortable with and there’s basically zero difference between kids that are breast fed and kids that aren’t, then back off. Those breastfeeding crazies in that forum probably want you to breastfeed Riley while she’s in kindergarten too– they’re whacked.
I understand what you mean about grieving the loss for what you thought would be, but as I’m sure you’ve found out, things that happen when you have a baby and beyond aren’t something that we can plan out too definitely. People have these super intricate birth plans and– it all goes out the window if the baby is in distress. People think– my kid will NEVER sleep in my bed with me– and it all goes out the window after getting 1/2 hour of sleep in 2 days. People think my kid will definitely be potty trained at 2– and then the kid isn’t interested/won’t do it no matter how hard you try and you realize, you really can’t MAKE someone pee where you want them to. Sometimes it is better for everyone to relax and let go of expectations. Sure we need to be in charge and make sure they’re safe and all that, but the kid will guide you to what’s best for them.
Daisy says
Jamie, I think you made the right choice for you and also for Riley and Will, cause you happy and healthy is best for all of you. I do get mourning not having this experience you thought you’d have. I was really lucky when it comes to breastfeeding and I still felt guilty when I decided to stop pumping at work, even when she was 10 months already. And the shaming that goes on for not breastfeeding is ridiculous, I still don’t get why moms can’t just support each other instead of pointing fingers.
Riley looks happy and healthy and that’s so much more important!
Karima says
Such a great story. I’m sorry you had to go through that. I’m a breastfeeding mother, and I would never judge another mother for not being able to.
I hated it, but actually produced a lot of milk and my son didn’t have any issues latching on, but I was not going through any PPD stuff. I’m glad you’re getting better! Good for you for realizing and getting ahead of the problem.
And so what you stopped? At the end of the day the kid doesn’t even remember the difference. When I ask my mom if she breastfed me, she can’t remember! Can you believe it? She literally doesn’t know if she breastfed me or my brother. Which basically means that we’re not, missing anything that breastfed kids are. Happy and healthy is what’s best.
Whitney says
So much of this is so familiar to me. I struggled with each child to breastfeed. I had friends around me that seem to take to it like it ducks to water. And here I was bawling my head off every time my daughter would cry because she was hungry. She never latched right, and sucked so hard she sucked a piece of my nipple off. I too was also in the throes of PPD but didn’t know it until things got really ugly. I too dealt with so much guilt, so much sorrow, and loss. My oldest just turned 13 this year and its only been within the last few years that I felt like I could truly forgive myself for the decisions I made because I knew they were the right ones, even though they broke my heart.
Vee @ Under The Mountain says
I think breastfeeding is great! If you can do that. I absolutely detest the “breast is best” culture, it’s so toxic. It shoves down your throat that somehow you’re not a real mother just because you don’t shove your baby on your tit constantly. And it’s way easier shoving a bottle under one of those tommee tippee perfect prep machines for a few seconds and mixing some powder in than spending twenty minutes trying to find the right position plus however long it must take to calm your sore nips down. I breastfed when mine was born, tried once after and just decided it wasn’t for me. I refuse to feel guity for that, she’s no different now than if I’d have breastfed.
The only good thing that came from it was that I realised that I do have body dysmorphia around that and I am non-binary – I consider myself a mom but I don’t consider myself either gender. Something people think is BS but do I care NOPE. 😀
Vee @ Under The Mountain
Bethany says
I came across this post by googling “grieving my breastfeeding”.. I feel like you looked into my heart and mind and wrote all my feelings. I sobbed the whole time I read this. I thought I had mostly moved on by now, since I’ve been dried up for a month. But oh my goodness, your words dug up deep feelings inside I didn’t know were still there. I never imagined I wouldn’t be able to breastfeed. I had dreams of nursing my little baby in the early hours alone, just me and him. Skin to skin. Me fulfilling his needs.
Giving him the best. But I had to let that dream go. It’s so so hard. Every time I see a mom breastfeeding her baby, I feel longing, and so much sadness.
Thank you for this post. It encourages me to let these feelings go. To accept that my baby is still getting the best.. nourishment and a happy mom.
Jess says
This is exactly what I needed to read. Thank you so much!! I am going to follow in your footsteps and let go of my breastfeeding journey that never was… and I’m going to love the crap out of my sweet boy!! <3
Ana says
Thank you for writing this. I feel related to every single thing you said. The guilt, the regret, the sadness seeing other mums breastfeed. But I can’t let go yet. I have been exclusively pumping for four months and I want to stop but can’t do it at the same time.
Jamie says
You are amazing for having pumped exclusively for four months! What a selfless and persevering mama your little one has! Whatever decision you make doesn’t change that. I hope you can find peace with whatever you choose to do <3
Sarah says
I’m sitting here sobbing reading this. I could have written this. I’m grieving what was meant to be with my baby.
Jamie says
*hugs* I know it’s so hard. Let yourself grieve it. I’m here on the other side of it — my daughter just turned 5 last week and she is THRIVING and healthy and happy. *I* am happy and thriving and mentally healthy. Truly. I don’t for a second doubt it was the right decision. Was it the decision that I thought I’d have to make? No. But it was the right one for us after how it all panned out. Grieve it but take heart that all will be okay! <3