Wild One

One year ago today I met my baby girl, Riley Josephine, and became a mama. One whole year ago.

It’s been quite the wonderful and messy rollercoaster ride and I feel like I’ve grown so much in this year as a person and in motherhood. It hasn’t been easy in every way but it’s been MY journey and it’s been so beyond easy to love this little girl. It’s wild to me how my whole life I’ve lived without this child because she is such a huge part of my life now.

We celebrated her first birthday party this past weekend and someone asked me a question that really stuck with me:

“Has it been what you expected?”

I don’t even know how to answer this. I certainly had visions in my head of what motherhood could look like before I had her but I don’t know if I had expectations per se.

My motherhood journey started with not even knowing if I wanted kids. I felt pretty ambivalent about the topic — I could be happy with my life if I had kids and happy with my life without. I still believe this to be true — I know that for as much as being her mom fulfills me and I love her more than anything — that there is an alternate timeline where we never had a kid and I’m fulfilled and content in another way. But I can’t imagine, having her, not being her mom…that alternate life does feel weird to think about NOW though I know I could have had a fulfilling life if we decided not to grow our family.

But we decided to try and grow our family even though I didn’t feel those “I want to be a mom!!” feelings that everyone said I would have. I started my pregnancy feeling terrible and way more sick than I could have ever imagine and I felt guilty…guilty that I was pregnant when I didn’t even feel strongly about whether or not I wanted to be a mom prior to us deciding that was what we were going to do.

I didn’t know what motherhood would like for me considering all that. I don’t know that I could have even drawn up expectations in my head. But I will say I’m not sure I could have imagined the reality of one year of motherhood.

I might have dreamed up this motherhood that looked a lot like the glamorous Instagram motherhood with a side of Pinterest motherhood where I always looked fantastic, my house was always clean, my baby cooperated for creative Insta-worthy pictures, I DIYed the crap out of everything and I had SO MUCH TIME for all my other passions & pursuits.

LOL to those visions. A big LOL. Reality vs (sort of) expectations….definitely different.

So has it been everything I expected? Yes and no.

 

I didn’t expect to be in labor for as long as I was — nor did I expect that my recovery, after 4th degree tearing, would be so severe — and impact me so much physically, mentally and in my ability to parent.

I didn’t expect breastfeeding to be so hard and be something that I had to end up quitting. I didn’t expect it would take so long for me to forgive myself for that.

I didn’t expect that I would lose so much of that first month of motherhood to postpartum depression and anxiety. It still makes me cry to think about that month and I’ve realized I need to talk to someone about it even though I’ve been doing mostly great since then. I need to put it behind me. Just thinking about where I was a year ago and how hard my journey would keep getting until I realized I needed help makes me want to cry.  Maybe I SHOULD have been more prepared for it? I had struggled with depression twice in my life — once after my mom passed and the other time when I lost my job and struggled to find another one but these were nowhere as debilitating as this would be.

I didn’t expect that during that time is when I would realize how fiercely I wanted to be a mom. During the worst part of the PPD/PPA I would just sit on the couch and cry about how I wanted to be her mom more than anything as I held her. I just wanted to feel normal again. I didn’t want anyone to take her away from me. I didn’t want to fail at being her mom so early and right out of the gate. She was this brand new baby and she needed her mom and I hated that I couldn’t just fight through this and get it together. I was scared to get help in the form of medicine but I did it anyways because I could feel this “I WANT TO BE HER MOM” feeling that had been so absent in my life.

I didn’t expect to feel a change in how I love someone. I have loved people all my life and I had always heard people talk about a mother’s love and I didn’t expect that it would truly feel different. I don’t know that I have even loved MYSELF in the way that I love Riley.

I didn’t expect just how terrible no sleep would be. I had always been a night owl and someone who didn’t seem to require as much sleep as others. But not sleeping in this way? I became a legitimate crazy person during the worst periods of sleep in this first year. It made Will and I fight in a way I could have never expected. It affected me mentally in a way I didn’t expect.

I also didn’t expect that sleep would be this constant rollercoaster that would literally dictate how I felt about motherhood from day to day lol. YOU GUYS…I have learned so much about baby sleep in this past year. But the most important thing you needed to know is that it’s not linear. When Riley started sleeping amazingly through the night at around 5 months I thought that was it. And then the 8 month regression started a little early and we had 2 months of HELL when it came to sleep. It was the only time in that year that I thought I might have to go back on the medication because I was deteriorating mentally. It’s always one thing — teething, illness, regression, new skills messing her sleep up, changing sleep needs, over-stimulation. SOMETHING. I learned real quick to enjoy the sleep when she gave it to us and just deal with it when she didn’t and remember it would come back eventually. I had to be really conscious of my feelings during a no-sleep period because that’s when I was my most negative.

I didn’t expect how hard of a time I would have with my identity and the loss of my time. It’s amazing to me how I could love someone so much and love being her mom and YET…I would still struggle so hard with who I was now. I had a REALLY hard time sharing my time this year. On one hand it’s the easiest thing in the world to give up my time to play with her and snuggle with her but on the other hand I would feel this ache and longing for all that pre-Riley time where I could lounge at the pool for hours reading a book or where I could just meet up with my friends for drinks last minute. It took me a while to find my footing as a mom, simply put. I didn’t struggle to be a good mom…I struggled with my identity AS a mom and all that involved.

I didn’t expect that I would become that mom who talked about her kid so much. But, hey, my kid is awesome and I love watching her learn and grow and it’s really exciting. And I’m not just saying this because I don’t have much else going on in my life. She is everything good in my life and I can’t help but be excited. She’s smart and sassy and real fun.

I didn’t expect how challenging it could be with marriage. On one hand I think it’s brought us WAY closer together. We’ve seen things and been through things together. But it’s hard in a lot of ways that I didn’t expect and every day I have to remember that I’m not JUST a mom but a wife too.

I didn’t expect how much I would miss those snuggles when she didn’t want them as much anymore. I practically drop everything I’m doing now when she wants to snuggle with me. I happily gave up a whole day when she had a stomach bug and all she wanted to do was sleep on me. I was content in a way I found it hard to be when she slept on me all day as a newborn (all I could see is how much I couldn’t do). I certainly didn’t enjoy these moments in the middle of the night (and even knowing this I STILL don’t enjoy them in the middle of the night) but oh man do I soak them up when they happen now and remember to look down at that little face and remember how it feels when she’s laying on me.

I didn’t expect I would love writing about motherhood and baby stuff. I remember when I was pregnant and writing on here I said I never wanted to write about ~mom stuff~ and yet….I’ve been doing it and loving it.

Some of the things I’ve written:

Living With A Baby In A One Bedroom Apartment
On Finding Your Way
My Not So Instagrammable Life
The Least Interesting Person In The World
The Newborn Survival Guide
6 Simple Ways To Practice Self Care As A New Mom
6 Life Lessons I Learned In 6 Months Of Motherhood
Grieving What Should Have Been: A Breastfeeding Story
3-6 Month Favorites
Motherhood So Far

 

I didn’t expect how truly fast this year would go.  It’s been a really fun adventure but I can’t believe it’s been a year since I met this baby girl for the first time. With all the mess and how long it took me to really come into my own as a mom, it’s still been the best year. I’ve had so much fun and I’ve laughed harder than I ever have before because this little girl is so funny. I’ve shared so many sweet moments and have more memories than I know what to do with. I knew it would be wonderful but all the things I DID expect? My expectations have been blown out of the water when it comes to how much I could love her and truly enjoy watching her learn and grow.

 

So happy birthday to my feisty, brave little darling who makes me happier than I could have ever imagined. I love when she smiles so big and squeals when I come get her out of her crib in the morning. I love when she says mama. I love when she is silly and blows raspberries on my arm when I’m rocking her/singing our song before I put her in her crib because she KNOWS it will make me laugh. I love when she’s playing and then crawls up to hug me before she’s off to her next thing. She is literally the best part of my day. Every day. Even when it’s hard. Even when I’m tired. Even when I miss my free time or my pre-baby life. I love this life with Riley in it — all 365 days of this new and wonderful life.

 

[Disclosure: This post may contain affiliate links which means that if you click on a link and purchase something I’ve talked about or recommended, I’ll receive a very small percentage of the sale. Please see my disclosure policy for more info.