I’ve been having a lot of conversations online and offline about motherhood lately that have had me thinking about “finding your way” — as a mom but honestly just in general. I started to feel the way I’ve been finding my way as a mom was not The Right Way according to comments I’ve seen. Which really bummed me out.
I’ve been pretty real about my motherhood journey. About EVERY journey I’ve been on, let’s be honest. And the thing I’ve realized about finding your way, in anything in life, is that it’s not the same as the way someone else might find their way. I mean, THAT SEEMS SUPER OBVIOUS, right? But I feel like I need to tell myself this over and over again – in motherhood, on my messy career path.
Let’s take motherhood for example. My sister is mom to 3 kids. My sister has ALWAYS known she was going to be a mom since she was like 3. I truly believe it’s what she was born to do. I know it’s not always easy for her but the things I have struggled with so far in motherhood haven’t necessarily been the things that she struggled with at this point in time.
For me, motherhood hasn’t come easy. I’ve been open about the huge hurdle with Postpartum Depression and Anxiety that I never thought would happen to me. I fought like hell to be where I am now. I cherish that I can be a loving and attentive mom to her. But finding myself as a mom hasn’t been easy for me.
Even the beginning of my motherhood journey started differently — I wasn’t always sure if I wanted kids or not. I don’t know if this fact has influenced how hard the change to motherhood has been for me but either way…it’s been hard to adjust to this new life of mine. It doesn’t mean I don’t love it but I feel remiss about not acknowledging all the ways it’s been hard for me in finding my way as a mom because so much of what I “knew” about motherhood was such an idealized version of it.
I mourn the loss of my time quite a bit, I feel like I’m super not interesting anymore (even though I DO find my days interesting mostly?) and I really really struggle with the lack of sleep thing that happens in phases and spurts. I struggle when, my mostly good sleeper, is struggling hardcore and I feel like I have a newborn again because my nature is to want to problem solve and fix things…and I’m learning that’s not always the case in motherhood. I can’t always know things and fix things. It’s also having to reframe what you view as a problem. I’ve learned a lot of things as a mom.
All these things? They are so different from my pre-baby life and I think I’ve struggled to adjust.
My sister never struggled with feeling a loss of herself because, I think, in being a mom she actually became the self she wanted to be. She became more herself. The motherhood path I’m walking right now is one of reconciling pre-baby Jamie to who I am now, as a mom and still as that multi-faceted person.
I’m selfish still. I complain about these bumps in my motherhood path. I can feel sad about it and sometimes I’m downright negative despite trying to be more positive (you ask Will about my pre-bedtime pep talks about how I’m going to not let whatever happens at night get me down). Because I am imperfect. And I’m also okay acknowledging the things that are hard for me and, even though I’ve always been a pretty positive person, I don’t think I HAVE to reframe every little thing as a positive. I can acknowledge and accept the negative feelings and move forward as best I can.
That’s the path I am on in finding my way as a mom right now. It’s thorny and messy and I have to cut through some vines and overgrown weeds to get there. Maybe I’m not as fast getting through that mess BUT I AM GETTING THERE. I am finding my way as a mom.
This change isn’t coming easy to me, like it might for some, and that’s okay. It’s my path. It’s my way. The things I struggle with might not be the same things other moms struggle with in finding their way as a mom. The things they struggle with I might not. THAT’S OKAY.
I guess that’s where I get a bit huffy when I see things that make other people feel bad about the WAY they are finding their way in anything. Right now I’m sensitive to anything making moms feel bad about HOW they are finding their way and their response to this change from not-a-mom to being a mom. I’m not all sunshine and roses but I’m doing the best I can with figuring out my identity as a mom and, maybe sometimes it isn’t super positive, but it’s my truth in these moments as I forge this path.
And then it dawned on me, in acknowledging and sharing these not-so-great moments/feelings/things I’m working through, I’m sharing all the moments/emotions/thoughts that are culminating into me figuring this out.
I think that’s a pretty important element in Finding Your Way.
When it comes to loving on her and being an attentive and loving mom, I am CRUSHING IT. I really do think that. I might doubt myself, but, more often than not I believe in myself and I’m guided by my love for her in every decision I make. I haven’t struggled to feel motherly and my instincts are good, I think.
THAT COMES EASY TO ME — unlike trying to reconcile who I am now, accepting what my free time looks like now, feeling like I’m not a person sometimes outside of being a mom, missing certain things, etc.
Finding my way in this aspect of motherhood might be slower than me finding my way of BEING Riley’s mom and that’s the crap I have to wade through. That’s the work I’m doing right now. I’m not perfect. She’s 9 months and I wish I could say I’ve figure it all but nope I still have days where I cry because I just want 24 hours completely to myself to catch up on all the things I love or I feel like I don’t quite know myself which elicits fear in me.
But that’s what I’m doing every damn day — wading through it and figuring it out.
You wanna know what that looks like? It looks like soaking up the picture books, cuddles and giggles and finding myself thinking less about how I wish I was devouring a novel for me or doing something I used to do with my free time as I used to. I’m seeing more of the opportunities for fun memories and adventures that INCLUDE her rather than longing for what those looked like before. I’m reframing a lot of things as I find my way. Adjusting how I operate. Slowly, not without bumps, but surely.
Some days are hard and I feel like I’m never going to figure out how to be content and find my way as a mom. But in those moments I just remember what I am good at and feel good about and I’m able to keep going. I think that’s what is so great about growth and figuring your crap out — it’s uncomfortable and challenging sometimes but, in that, you really do figure out who you are and, I think, become an even better version of yourself.
So, I guess if you are trying to find your way — in whatever way — I just want you to know, whatever that may look like it is VALID. 1000%. Maybe you are trying to find your way careerwise. After a breakup. As a mom. As someone who is trying to seek happiness after hard times.
Whatever it may be. However messy it is or how unconventional it may be. However hard it might feel. How slooooow it might seem to everyone else around you and they just don’t get how you aren’t “there” yet. No matter how much you just might want to just retreat from that path to finding your way because it’s too hard. It’s your journey to finding YOUR way…it’s your story and it’s all valid.
Your way is valid. Embrace it. Don’t listen to the people who act like Their Way is the only or “right” way and that you should just do this or that or be more this or that.
The things you feel on this path to finding your way? They are all valid. Negative, positive, ambivalent — these things are all valid and they all the fabric that makes up your journey.
Feel them. Acknowledge them. Press on and don’t give up.
You’ll get there — no matter what your path looks like. You will get there.
[Disclosure: This post may contain affiliate links which means that if you click on a link and purchase something I’ve talked about or recommended, I’ll receive a very small percentage of the sale. Please see my disclosure policy for more info.
StephTheBookworm says
I think you know, but I also struggled with PPD and I feel many of the same things you feel. I feel like I am constantly struggling between being a mom and also being ME… and my son is 3 now! That struggle hasn’t gone away, but I do the best I can and I love him. I think the problem is that as moms, we all strive to be like your sister, or we all THINK that’s how we will be before we have kids, but we’re not all like that… and I’m trying to accept that and realize we are all different people and therefore different kinds of moms. I feel guilty a lot because I like to do my own things without him sometimes like go to see a few movies a month, or spend time with friends. But if I don’t do those things, I feel lost as a person and an individual. It is a never ending struggle.
La La in the Library says
It seems like forever when you are in the thick of it, but once they go to school there is a huge difference and finding the threads of who you were before is so much easier. I sometimes think that it’s best just to put that out of your mind the first four years because, don’t worry, that you will still be there. You might even find yourself missing the pre-school years like I did, ha ha. I was so anxious for my son to go to school, but then I missed having him around! I lived for his school vacations. Heh heh. 💜
Vee @ Under The Mountain says
I’m not sure I suffered with PPD so much as PTSD – I lost my memories of the first year of my daughter’s life because I was struggling my way though. I didn’t know I was pregnant which is something I try and be open about but people have no idea that that is something that can happen – they tend to assume that because I’m not overweight, I must have not known because I was stupid, or worse they think I knew all along and that I’m lying which is the worst. I literally had no idea until I was in labour, I think you can imagine how terrifying that can be!
I’ve dealt with a lot of other people’s opinions and listed to a very small percentage of them. We just do what we think is best and it’s paid off – she’s 3 next week and extremely clever, funny and a little bit mad. I wouldn’t change anything for the world, she’s one of the best things that’s happened to me.
Vee @ Under The Mountain
Tizzy says
Another excellent post, Jamie. You are so right that we all have to find our own way and it’s okay if our way is different from others. Motherhood is idealised a lot but let’s face it, it’s a hard job! Anyone who claims it’s all sunshine and roses is not being entirely truthful. And I think it’s totally normal to ‘mourn’ the person you used to be before kids and I don’t think it’s selfish to do so. I mean, caring for a helpless little person is a huge responsibility that eats away nearly all your time. I wonder what I actually used to do with my free time now? I didn’t appreciate it at all! And the identity thing, that’s so tricky. When you’re busy doing mum stuff 90% of the time you question who you really are-am I JUST a mum? Do I bore all my friends by talking too much about my daughter? Will I ever get time to do things for ME again? I think this is something all mums struggle with. We naturally do change when we have kids. I’ve become more organised and obsessed with things like health and safety, which makes me seem not as fun anymore. But that’s okay. My priority right now is raising my little one well and keeping her safe. I’ve found my way back to reading and blogging to give myself a little creative outlet and I figure that as she gets older I will ‘rediscover’ myself bit by bit. I think the experience of motherhood can only transform us for the better in the long term. But as you said, all our journeys are different and whatever path we choose, we’re doing just fine.
Sam @ Sharing Inspired Kreations says
Good for you for trying so hard and seeing that you are trying and that we’re not all the same types of moms. I am very similar to you. I also suffered from PPD/A and have had a difficult time accepting my new role as mom. My daughter is about to turn 2 and while my love for her has never faltered, I have had many struggles on my way to becoming the new me. Things get better and better all the time, but there are still those moments or days where I miss who I used to be. I’m glad you are keeping up with your blog at least! That’s something! And it sounds like you’re doing a fantastic job, even if it’s not the same way other people are doing it.
I also have a sister like yours and my mom is the same way – they are total naturals at being moms. They were born to be moms for sure. Whereas I’m not sure I was. That doesn’t mean I can’t be good at it, just that I’m doing it differently than they are and it’s taking me longer to get to a comfortable point with it and I definitely have a lot more struggles with it, which they can’t seem to understand.
Good luck to you on this difficult journey of motherhood. Something else to remember is that most people tend to show only the happy times on social media and out in public. People that put on happy faces may just be struggling as much as you and me!
Jessica says
So I’ve been following you on GoodReads definitely for years at this point but have only recently been perusing your blog. I really just want to say thank you for being so open and honest about your experience with motherhood because while I do not have children your feelings pre-baby are exactly how I feel. I’m in my 30’s and don’t know if I want kids despite growing up just assuming I would have them. My husband wants them and would make a great dad and that makes the guilt kick in. I even appreciate your stories of your struggles since having your daughter because it’s just real, ya know? I’ve had friends who have had babies and they act like everything is sunshine and roses and there’s a part of me that just wants to roll my eyes. I’ve never read anything about motherhood that really spoke to me until I read your posts; it was like seeing my own thoughts projected back to me. So truly thank you for sharing your experience as you find your way on this new life of yours!